Want to hear about my shitty Monday? No? Well too bad because I feel that I deserve to bitch for a good week about my horrific morning. Since I love lists, I will tell the story in chronological order by simply listing the events throughout the morning. Yes, basically I am a lazy ass and a list is a million times easier than actually thinking and then coming up with complete sentences. Plus I am at work, and should probably be working instead of blogging so I don’t want to hear any crap about my list ok?
Sorry about the attitude, you really didn’t deserve that! From here on out I promise to be more pleasant…I promise.
Ok so let’s roll with Lane’s lazy list.
1. Woke up (late of course)
2. Jumped into the bath (I know I am not supposed to take baths but gosh darn it I wanted a bath badly so please don’t judge me, tell my doctor or tell my husband….thanks and gig em’)
3. Threw my wet hair into a clip
4. Slapped on some makeup
5. Tried on four different pairs of dress pants, none of them fit
6. Considered throwing the skinny pants out the window and then remembered that my closet window does not open
7. Settled for an ugly pair of bright green Gap trousers that I haven’t worn for 2 years because they are my fat ugly pants.
8. Threw on a white crispy wrap around shirt that’s far too low cut for work, but didn’t care because I like showing off my new large knockers
9. Took Swazie out to potty
10. Swazie wouldn’t take a dump
11. Yelled a few impolite words
12. Told Swazie she was not getting her morning bone
13. Locked Swazie in the bathroom. Sux for her, she should have gone potty!
14. Opened the garage door and was suddenly smothered with the most repulsive smell ever
15. Took note to curse Jonathan for dumping fish guts into the trash can
16. Realized that Monday is trash day
17. Held my breath, ran to the trash can and start rolling it down the drive way
18. Ran out of breath half way to the curb
19. Took a deep breath and inhaled rotten fish
20. Threw up my granola on the drive way
21. Waved to the neighbor who just saw me barf my brains out
22. Jumped in my car
23. Realized I left my sun roof open, therefore my car reeked of dirty fish fungi rubbish
24. Rolled down the windows and sped off to work
25. Stopped at a stop light and got a huge whiff of the fish carcass
26. Open my car door and puke up more expensive organic granola
27. Rinse and repeat the two steps above for the next 3 stop lights that I must stop at
28. Arrive at the office in my ugly outfit reeking of fish remains
29. Remembered that our CEO is visiting the office and regret exposing my massive cleavage
30. The End