Dear Cole, Yesterday You Turned 10 Months Old

Dear Cole,


Wow! That’s all I can say about this past month. You have blown my mind with how much you have changed in 30 days … you're a WILD MAN! I know every baby is curious and a little crazy, but dude, I really think that you may top the chart. At times you can be extremely exhausting, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.




Let’s see where to start …






Let’s go ahead and get the teething talk out of the way. Holy mother lovin’ earthly heavens  … I would rather EAT 20 YEAR OLD MICE POO, EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, THAN DEAL WITH “THE ASS-A-HOLIC TOOTH” ever again! Yes, your first top tooth was that bad. I can’t even think about it without cringing. The ass-a-holic tooth came in on the first day that I was an official stay at home mom. Your little pearly white made its entrance on that glorious day, and it made me want to run as fast as I could back to my job and beg them to take me back. I’m talking about non-stop screaming at the top of your lungs. Not to mention the bucking, oh the bucking! Ever time I tried to sit you down, hold you, comfort you or lay you down for a nap you would go crazy! With the bit of energy that you had left, you decided to put towards thrusting your noggin back in the air, weeping bloody murder and bucking like a cow with his nuts tied up. I seriously though you had gone to the dark side, as we only had a small amount of fusses with the two bottom teeth. I took you to the pediatrician yesterday and asked her if she could give me an estimate, down to the hour, as to when your second upper tooth will make my life a living hell. The doctor looked at me like I was the most rigorous mother that had entered her office door. The verdict is … the damn tooth has a timeline of it’s own. Boo!  All I can do is pray that it is not half as bad as your first ass-a-holic upper tooth. (Just to clear things up before you all really do think I’m crazy, I took Cole to the pediatrician for his on-going cold, not just the tooth … just wanted to make sure you all know that I am not that far gone.) When your father came home from work on this “ass-holic tooth made his debut day” all Pook could do was feel sorry for me. Needless to say, your father arrived home, observed the situation at hand, and immediately went out and got a bottle of wine for Mama. I may, or may not have finished off the whole damn thing.




Ok, let’s move on, to a more pleasing topic ... Oh, my dear lord, I think I gave birth to myself. I know I have always enjoyed people watching, but you take people gazing to a whole new level. Sometimes I’m worried that strangers think you have a staring problem. The other day we were standing in line at some over-priced kiddie boutique and the staff was having major register issues, so it took forever, really though….we were in line for 20 minutes no joke. There was a man behind us in line. He was wearing a suit and you could tell his was in a hurry to get in and out as quick as possible. He was obviously annoyed with the ladies trying to fix the register and looked only at the floor. This was unacceptable to you; you could not stand his rudeness. Baby boy, I agree with you, how could this man stand so close to a hunka-loving –stud-of-a-baby and not give one mother loving grimace? Sometimes I like to think that I can read your mind, and at that moment I know you were trying to gawk until you got a reaction. And that you did. I swear you sat on my hip, with your olive greens, staring at this dude. It took about 6 minutes before he looked up at you. Once you and the dude made eye contact, your mission was complete; therefore you gave the guy a small smile and went on with your day. Not only did you get “Mr. I'm In a Kiddie Botique Shopping On a Monday At 1pm Dude” to make eye contact with you, you also got him to smirk at you. After he smiled he went as far to touch your shoe (Sorry baby, I can’t believe I allow you to wear them ... but the miniature Croc’s are so sweet …  but not so cute on full grown men …. eeehhhhmm… POOK)!






Speaking of shoes, I love to dress you these days. You’re finally out of the “oh look at the cute furry hippo displayed across my chest” phase. It’s about damn time, because some of those outfits would make my skin crawl. … But I have something to admit to you, part of me misses those hideous outfits that I have always hated. Yes, I still believe that the hippo shirts are gay, but it kind of makes me sad. Sad because I feel like this means that a part of your babiness is slowly slipping away. I feel like the older you get, the more the clothes designers are doing their part by shouting, “Ok, all you parents that can’t let your babies grow up, snap out of it! He is a big boy now! One day your bundle of joy will think you suck and will not want you to come around because you embarrass them in front of their friends”. Before I know it I will be balling my eyes out as I abandon you on your first day of second grade, while you are screaming and grasping my leg (oh, wait that’s right, that was me on my first day of 2nd grade when I was deserted …. nope, not bitter or anything … MOM!)






Moving on … Cole-Man, you totally dig your cousin Caden. By the look on your face when you see him, I know you are thinking, “dude cous, there you are, it’s been far to long ….. longie timie no playie". This brings me to my new mission. I want to talk Aunt Fro into running away from corporate America and joining the stay at home crew. So far, not so good, but I will not stop trying.










Recently we have established endless hours of bonding with one another. I really do like to think that you appreciate me staying home with you. That was until I took you to your school (aka daycare) to say goodbye to all your teachers and friends. I think it was harder for me to say goodbye than it was for you.




Yes, I really put a picture of me in a swim suit on the internet ... EEEEK!







You with Miss Lisa.





This quick story has nothing to do with your 10th month of life, but please just hang in there with me. Last week, as we were saying goodbye to your teachers, Lisa told Cole, “Cole-y I’m going to miss you, but not more than that, I’m going to miss your Daddy”! After she laid that comment on me, the two other teachers, chimed in, “oh yeah we are sure going to miss seeing Jonathan each and every afternoon.” They were all, “oh yeah and if we were lucky, Jonathan would drop Cole-y off for school in the morning and then Cole-y would smell like his daddy’s cologne all day long.” Sorry ladies, he’s all mine, but I have no problem with him being your eye candy from time to time. If you want, I can send him over to you guys once a week so he can do a little spin …. just let me know when you need a breath of fresh air.










Anyways, on to our visit to your school. Your teachers and peers presented you with a lamb (you were in the lamb class) and a t-shirt with footprints from all of your classmates. I think you dig the shirt, as this is the second time that I have put you in a shirt that doesn’t snap between your nut sack.







Ok, that’s the last time I’ll mention your sac, I promise. Now onto your newest skill, you’re crawling like a combat solider. Holy cow, you can crawl faster that I run. You will see a dust bunny across the room and within seconds you’re scooting across the ridiculously dirty floor to go and eat the dust bunny. Maybe this is a good thing, it forces me to keep the floors halfway decent. You used to look so cute in all your freshly pressed outfits (don’t let me fool you, they were clean and looked pressed, but dude do you really think I have time for that?) and now all of your clothes are covered in bananas, boogers and cat hair by 11am. I’m known to be a bit anal, and dude this drives me nuts, but after way too many loads of laundry I’ve decided that your cute outfit days have come to an end. From here on out, you will look like a hootrat, sorry!







Your new favorite is bathing in the sink. I discovered this incredible invention on the horrible “ass-a-holic tooth makes his debut day”. I needed to make dinner and was about to lose my mind when I decided to multitask by giving you a kitchen sink bath while I chopped tomatoes. To my surprise, you love it! You sat and played in the sink for at least 45 minutes. You were playing in the water, sticking your finger up the spout and making a mess. Your father and I were elated to have a few minutes of peace, so we let you run up the water bill … best money spent! Speaking of, you just finished off a bitter biscuit and are going ape shit so I think I’m going to toss ya in the sink for a scrub down.










 Happy 10 months monkey!






I love you! I love your happy side, your mad side, your pleasant side and even your “ass-a-haolic tooth makes his debut day” side.








Carrie said...

I look forward to your posts every day. You are hilarious, I would love to be a fly on your wall for just one day! Your little man is just getting cuter and cuter!! Lots of love to that little one!

Jaimie said...

Lane you freakin crack me up!!! Sure do miss you around here, we need to get together soon, let our kids make a mess while we try to have "adult" conversations!

Christina said...

Awesome just Awesome!!

Leah said...

When is the 'party planning committee' getting together to start planning his 1st birthday blowout at the Wood household? I mean, I keep coming up with great ideas that I need to share!

Dana said...

He is super cute and I love looking forward to his monthly updates. However, I hate to tell you that when the molars start to come in you will be wishing that you had another day with that front tooth. Teething is the only thing that I am not looking forward to the second time around. Hang in there and call me anytime you want to play!